I am 1 in 4

May 2019

It’s International Bereaved Mother’s Day and today, especially, I remember my little lost love.

It was November 2014 and I remember the day with excruciating vividness. We’d only learnt of our second wee miracle 2 weeks prior, but that 2 weeks was long enough to fall deeply in love.

We were both head over heels in love with our tiny little babe and the newly paved future it brought. A future that would grow our sweet family to 4, one that would make E a big brother, one that would add the second precious grandchild to the mix. This babe was the hub of all of our conversations. We’d already started talking about how’d we’d transform the spare room, how much mat leave I’d take and upgrading our car. The teeny little bean was always on our minds. We’d laid in bed each night sharing our wishes for our darling, the qualities we wanted it to inherit from us and possible name choices. We had already felt the anxiety, shared our fear and laughed at the utter hilarity of how the hell we were going to manage two so close together. All in 2 weeks.

2 weeks seems tiny, insignificant almost, a blip in the scheme of things. And in everyday life, 2 weeks can pass without one iota of excitement, let alone a life changing event. But, those who have had the privilege of finding out they’re pregnant, the minute that line turns pink, your heart doubles in size, your universe realigns, your life changes. That babe is instantly in your life, in your future.

So, when your whole plan, the entire life you had envisioned gets ripped away with a crushing sight of blood, the grief is unimaginable. It’s debilitating, devastating, unexplainable and life changing. It upends you.

We stopped trying for a little bit after my miscarriage. We took stock, loved hard on eachother and our babe E then tried again. We were blessed with our rainbow babe, Noah a year later and what a little slice of heaven he is.

I know I am one of the lucky ones, I have two dear miracles and I am very aware that so many other’s feel this loss consistently and without ease. I see you. Sending love to all of those who know this pain.

J x